jump to navigation

Flash Fiction – Peep-Pocalypse April 22, 2011

Posted by techtigger in flash fiction.
trackback

I totally blame @thefourpartland for this one. Heheheheh.  Happy Easter!

——————————————————————————————

Everybody knows that if the zombie apocalypse happens, the first place you go is the S-Mart.  I watched the Evil Dead movies, they should stock everything you need to blow those brain-munching bastards into paste. So I slewed my old Ford Fiesta into the parking lot, wheels squealing and smoke belching from the tailpipe. The tiny engine howled like a chihuahua being neutered, and I gunned it one last time to jump the curb. The zombie hordes were still shambling their way across the far side the lot.  I had made it in time.

The doors swished open and I rushed in, expecting to find an arsenal of galvanized steel lawn care implements waiting just inside.  Instead, I found a wall of pastel boxes.  In all the chaos, I had forgotten it was Easter.  There were no hedge clippers, bill hooks or garden hoes anywhere in sight.  All they had was an eight foot pile of marshmallow peeps. I couldn’t get past them either – the stock boys must have brought the pallets inside, and run off before they could get them on the shelves.

Meaty thunks against the glass behind me announced the arrival of the deadites.  It was only a matter of time till one stumbled on the pressure plate and the doors slipped open again.  I had to think fast. A quick scan of the impulse buys lining the entry turned up fifteen varieties of gum, a rack of gift cards, boxes of no-name breakfast cereal and half a dozen cheap lighters.

Another bang and a crackling sound made my guts clench in fear. They were too stupid to move five steps to the left to trigger the door, but that wouldn’t stop them from bashing straight through the glass. I needed a weapon, anything…

Movies saved my life that day. Don’t ever let anyone tell you TV rots your brains, kiddies. Army of Darkness got me there, and Ghostbusters got me out again.  Marshmallows burn, they stick like napalm, and I had a whole mountain of them.

I ripped into the boxes like a madman, tossing heaps of cute little bunnies and peeps into a pile. I ripped open the lighters, and started screaming, “Say Hello to my Little Friends!”  Sugar coated firebombs whizzed out through the broken glass and stuck to the moaning freaks in a multicolored light show worthy of a KISS concert.  You know, back in their heyday, when they still wore the makeup full time.

The first row of deadites went up like dry wood. They must have been from the old section of the graveyard. While they were frying, I stuffed peeps into a couple Dora the Explorer backpacks I found half-hidden under the shelves, and put the last of the lighters in my pocket.  I grabbed a box of choco-puffs too, in case I got hungry later. Hey, no-one survives the end of the world on an empty stomach. Don’t judge me.

By the light of flaming, carmelized bunnies I saw an opening and ran for it.  I survived that horrible day, thanks to the peeps available in every mini mart and corner store. Eventually, the National Guard stepped in and pulled the survivors out. Every one of us had our pockets stuffed with marshmallows.

Forget chainsaws and boomsticks. When the walking dead come to call, I have only one thing to say.  Give me some sugar, baby.

Advertisements

Comments»

1. The Four Part Land - April 22, 2011

This was brilliant. Loved it.

techtigger - April 23, 2011

like i said, you asked for it! *grinz* glad you liked it

The Four Part Land - April 23, 2011

I did ask for it, and I’m glad I did 🙂

2. Raven Corinn Carluk - April 22, 2011

FFlaming marshmallow doom is awesome.

techtigger - April 23, 2011

and it’s true! (the flaming napalm bit, anyway) 😀

3. marijun - April 22, 2011

Saving the world from a zombie apocalypse with candy? Bwahahah! Brilliant indeed! 😀

techtigger - April 23, 2011

thank you! i was giggling madly the whole time i was writing it 🙂

4. 2mara - April 23, 2011

hahahaha! I was just toasting peeps yesterday and they are incredibly deadly… I got a good chuckle (and Bruce Campbell’s voice in my head the whole read).

Love it!
~2

techtigger - April 23, 2011

thanks! I wonder if he’d do a voice-over for it… heheheh

5. PJ Kaiser - April 23, 2011

Ha- that was hilarious. Inspired by a trip to Walmart, no doubt. I’ve always hated Peeps … now I have a wonderful mental image to go with it 😉

techtigger - April 23, 2011

😀 we sacrifice a pack of peeps every year at our backyard barbeques – they ooze like lava flows across the logs, it’s awesome!

6. Sam Adamson - April 26, 2011

Haha! Great story, but I have a problem…we can’t get peeps here so come the day when the US rescue squads hit UK shores, make sure they’ve packed plenty of supplies – I wouldn’t want anyone running out of ammo! 😉

techtigger - May 3, 2011

Heheheh, I’ll send word to NATO, see if we can’t arm the rescue troops for you 🙂

7. Harry B. Sanderford - April 28, 2011

Hahaha! Killer new approach to zombie control!

techtigger - May 3, 2011

thanks! And they’re a cheaper zombie repellent than shotgun shells 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: